losing you litle by litle

I don't know how to start this blog entry. But there's one thing I'm sure of. I need to burst this feeling. I don't have someone whom i could talk to. And this is a very personal matter. i was heartbroken as always. This happened yesterday since it's already 1am in the morning. I woke up early so i that i could study for our midterm test in Politics and Governance in our school library. I arrived at school around 11am, so i have one hour to study since i have my class in P.E by 12 noon. To my surprise, when i was sitting there for just a couple of minutes, my girl classmate showed up.
And then she kissed me on the cheek. We'll she always do that to me ever since we became close to each other. She's the sweetest person I've ever know. She said i love you and i miss you to me very often, even when we text each other. What i don't know is my guy classmate whom happen to be the person i hate, just sometimes, is also there and they actually had a plan to meet there in the library. That guy i know had a crush on her. I really noticed that and I'm so jealous. She's too pretty for him and i don't like him for her. But i don't have the rights to say that to her. And then that guy need to go early so I was asked by my girl classmate to accompany her even though our other classmates and her some friends are also sharing the table with her. It's really impossible for me to ignore her. I mean that. She mastered to be charming in front of me and i can't resist that. You know the feeling of you want to distance yourself to someone you like because you know it will benefit you nothing but you really can't do that because from the moment she's looking at you, talking to you and smiling to you, you eventually forget what you supposed to do. That's what i exactly feel every time she approach me. So, in other words, I moved to her place and sit beside her. When we talked, she brought up the topic about matters of the heart. She said something that i can't really believe in. When i heard that, I know i was about to cry but i eventually stopped because she will definitely ask why. She said that she and the guy i hate had a mutual understanding and he's planning to court her. That really break my heart. I feel that I can't breathe and my mind is sinking as if i heard nothing. she confessed that she had a crush on him too. That makes my heart fall into pieces. She asked me what my reaction and i just said that she's too kind to her. Guess what..... That guy was already there when i said those words and it seems like that he heard that I REALLY DON'T CARE. I'M JUST SAYING THE TRUTH. After that, I can't concentrate reviewing. All the scenes were beginning to filled up my mind and makes me feel sick. All I really want is to protect her. She's the first person to say i love you to me. The first person whom i feel that i deserve to be loved(well except my family). She's very vocal about that. That's the reason why i want her to be safe, to not get hurt. I've always treating her as my sibling. I want her to be happy but not with him. Definitely not him. I know I'm being unfair. This feeling will fade,I know. It will fade slowly and that's really hurt me. I want this to end know. I lost again. Will this losing ever stop?? I wonder. I really believe in this quote: " the worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and you know you can never have them".

I DO THINGS FOR YOU I WOULDN'T DO FOR ANYONE ELSE AND YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE.