Just Friends

December 15, 2014. 12:08AM

I don't know what my true feelings for this friend of mine. She's just the typical friend  that most of us can have. On appearance, she's quite a pretty lady, but not the head-over-heels type of girl. She's not that sweet and has the tendency to become impatience over small things. But I don't know, I cared more for her than to other girl friends that I have. When she got sick, I was really worried and I felt like I have to show her how concerned I am, how worried I am for her. It's like I want to showoff myself to her. I want her to feel and know that no matter what happens, I will be there for her, always. 

There are times when we missed talking to each other because I went home early after meeting or I just wanted not to talk to her so she will miss me and look for me. I want her to be conscious that she was not able to see and talk to me that day. I like the feeling of being cared for especially from those people I really cared about. It is childish, yes. But it feels good. There's one time when she was calling me but I never look at her. Instead I look to my other friend and started talking to her. She was puzzled. She texted me why I did that and I just reason out that I was talking to our other friend. It is a very lame excuse. She didn't believe it. I expected that from her. She demands an explanation when we saw each other but I can't give her one. When I look onto her eyes, she was sincere and concern. She asked me if she did something wrong that made me mad at her. I just assured her that I was not mad at her and will never be. In my experience, when I started to feel that kind of feeling to someone, it means that person is becoming so special for me. And that is bad. But I think, I am thinking too much of my relationship with that person. Or maybe I just wanted to have someone whom I can call "best friend" because I don't have one. Yes, I guess so. I just want to be her friend. That will benefit me more. Just friends.

Paasa Moments

December 7, 2014. 

Just what I thought, it is one of her "paasa" moves. I only got the opportunity to talk to her once a year. That's on her birthday. I can confidently message her without a glitch and having not to think about what would I say to her. I don't need to come up with a silly idea of what should the things I say to her without expressing my feelings. I just need to show to her that I remember and not forget her special day. Now, the problem comes after that. She will reply saying sweet things and give me "paasa" moments. Those are times when I need to think twice or thrice if she's sincere. If she's being true. I've always thought of it as a trap and she's just waiting for me to fall for it. For this year, I gave her a very safe answer. But as always, I am the one who send the last reply and experienced being in the "seen zoned". She read the message and did not reply to it. End of conversation between us. As for me, as usual, I have to wait for another year before I can talk to her again.  

Missing You

November 23, 2014

I had a dream last night. It's about you again. 

The place is somewhere in High Street Taguig. It is our college reunion. I was one of the early birds. I was sitting beside my one of my closest friend. When you arrive, I was standing in the corner talking to someone on the phone. I immediately noticed your arrival. You were talking to your group of friends. Then, you look around as if you are looking for someone. You are standing in front where I was once seated. I can clearly see you from the back. My call has ended and I decided to go back to my place. I was right behind you when I hear you asking that closest friend of mine if there's already sitting beside her. She rushly pointed her finger straight to me and said "siya". You turn your head back and our eyes meet. And I smiled to you and innocently asking "yes?". Just before you said something, my phone rang and I had to excuse myself to answer it. I see you looking at me while I go away. I go back to the corner and I enjoy watching you from the back. 

The day after, I am on my way to office when I stumble on you on the streets. You smile and I smile back. You touches my hand and asked me if I can accompany you for a moment. I said yes since I still have plenty time before my shift. You can see in my body language that I allowed my heart to affect my action. I was touching you, being sweet to you and you are the only thing that I see that moment. 

We are at the mall checking some stuffs. We are chatting, smiling to each other and saying sweet things to one another. Then the scene changed. You look different. You have something in your tummy. There you reveal that you are pregnant. I was afraid to know and hear the truth from you. I go out to that store to hide my tears and sad face from you. You wanted to show the picture of that responsible guy. I pretended to be ok but I know you noticed how unhappy I am. 

I don't remember what happened next. But I was happy to see you even just in my dream. That feeling of missing you is back again. After all the years that have passed not seeing you, I thought my feelings have faded and I can stand my ground without falling from your sweet smile. I guess I am not ready yet. It still hurts. 💔💔