In my previous blog entries, I mention that I am not the type of person who can't give my full trust to others even I am friends with them. I always doubt my ability to befriends with others and touched other lives as well as their intention of being friends with me. In short, I can't fully trust others and myself when in comes of having a good relationship especially in friendship. Now I will tell you all why.
I don't have this feeling before. I am carefree. I don't care about those stuffs. But it changed when I met this lady. I met her when I was six years old. We moved to their neighboorhood, I always see her in front of our house. She look at me, but I just look the other way. Probably, she was just in her early twenties when I met her. She became friends with my two brothers first. I am actually not that interested of knowing her that time. Yes, she is beautiful, intelligent, easy to get along with, and a perfect sister to have. However, I was looking with the other lady. I think she was the perfect one. I am looking for a potential girl who can be a good sister to me even though we are not blood related because I don't have one. That's is why I just see her as a neighboor. She don't need to talk to me, I don't need to talk to her. That's enough.
I always caught her looking at me when I see her washing their clothes from our window. It bothers me. I don't know what's with her. Then, my brother intruduced me to her. I found out that she has this natural fond of kids. She is very close to little children in our neighborhood. However, there are times that I push myself away from her. I hide when I see her coming to my direction. I don't know why. There's one incident when she called my name and asked her to accompany her to the store. She gave her hand to hold, but I ran towards the other lady, the one who I really want to be close with. I see that she felt bad with what I did. However, after sometime, I eventually became close with her because of the kind of personality she has. She's beautiful, thoughful, kind and has natural fond with little ones. I see her as my sister. I treat her like a real one. I am so happy then. But as they say, everything has its end. After four years, we have to move to another house. I will not see her again. It's so painful. How can you leave someone who already become part of your life?
Before we move, she said to me that we will see each other and will constantly communicate with me. I trusted her words. I trust her. She will not forget me. I will not forget her. After a couple of months, I heard nothing from her. Then, my brother said that she invited him to their new house. It actually near to our place. I was expecting her to invite us again so she can see me. But it never happened. After some years, when I was in my high school, she made a few phone calls, probably four or five calls to my brother to say hi and catch things up. When I hear my brother talking to her, I always excuse myself so I will not talk to her. It feels awkward. I don't know what to say and I feel betrayed. I want her to feel that. I only talked to her three times. In the first two calls, the things I only said to her after saying hi hello is "mukang bigtime ka na ah lagi kang busy e" (probably you're already rich because you are always busy). I felt the awkwardness. It seems that she only forced herself to talk to me since she talked to all my brothers. The third call, she invited my brother to their new house. It is not the same house I've mentioned awhile ago. It is far from ours. When my brother said that she wants to talk to me, I was actually expecting her to tell me to tag along with my brother so she can see me. I was expecting her to invite me to their house. But I was wrong. She just said hi and asked how I was. She just said "gusto mo sumama?" (do you want to come with your brother?). She don't sound very enthused of seeing me. So I just said that I can't. I think that's what she wants to hear. So I gave it to her. To my surprise, she came to our house too. I thought the reason is to see me but she said she just walked my brother home. At first, I was hiding. I excuse myself again and said that I was washing the dishes. I don't look at her. I stayed silent. Then she go home. Then after a two or three years, she visited us again. Now it is planned. She already said beforehand to my brother that she will drop by to our house. I can't concentrate the whole day. She will have her lunch at our place. What I am gonna tell? How can I look cool in front of her? How can I make our conversation long? Those are questions in my mind. As expected, I was very timid. I don't know what to say. I just want to look at her. After that, I was not able to see her again as of this time. My brother invited her to his wedding in year 2007. When I learn that she will be able to attend, I excuse myself not to. I said to my parents that I can't afford to absent from my class that day. But the truth is I am not ready to see her and talk to her. I want her to feel that. The only news that I know about her is she already got married to her longtime boyfriend and she already has a baby. But that's it. I've got that news some years ago. I don't know the latest about her. The promises that she said before we apart is not true after all. She just became close to me because of my brothers. It's not me that she wants to befriend of. I already made a scenerio in my mind on how will we meet each other. And how will I show her how cold I am to her and what she did to me. She already forget about me. But I can't forget her. I want to but I just can't.
"Just because you miss someone, it doesn't mean you should go back to them. Sometimes you have to just keep missing them until you wake up one morning and realize that you don't anymore.
