Strangers Again

February 20, 2015 1:11am

I am confused. Do I reach out to you? Or should I wait for you to ask me? The problem is I am not really sure if you already noticed that something is different between us. It is not the same anymore. Or you do noticed it, but you just don't care. Yes. I am over thinking too much. I don't want to repeat what happened three years ago. You will be the fourth person, if that will happen. Friends, then strangers. 

Begin Again

February 20, 2015 Friday

I am so happy today. I took the courage to text you first. I step aside my pride. It was worth it. I was able to have a good and cool conversation to you even in text. 

You have an assignment in our meeting. I was planning to greet you congratulations for job well done. I was about to approach you but when I see you busy talking to others, I hesitated. I just sent you a message, instead. It took me awhile before I decided to do it. At first, I thought it was a stupid move. You didn't reply right away. I thought you really ignored me. But I was wrong. You texted me. I was surprised. I wanted to say sorry, but I don't want to ruin the moment. I think, I just need to wait for the right time. Just go with the flow. Thank you for not giving up on me.

Broken

February 22, 2015 Sunday

I am broken hearted. Sobrang tanga ko. You left me hangin' again. Stupid me, still believing in your lies. Pinipilit kong isipin na hindi ka ganun. You ignored me. Lahat ng pinagsamahan naten dati mula 2nd year collage, pinagdududahan ko na. Putek. Ginamit mo lang ako. Nung hindi ka pa close dun sa isa, saken ka sumama. Akala ko totoo lahat ng ginawa mo para saken. Now, I'm starting to doubt if those things were true. I'm trying to defend you in my friends, yun pala mas totoo pa sila. Ansakit. Unti unti ko nang tinatanggap sa sarili ko na what we had before was sweet memories that I can happily remembered but I was wrong. It's not worth remembering. It's not a sweet memories but a fake one. Tapos aalis ka na pala. Mag-iibang bansa. Tatlong taon na kitang di nakikita at magpapatuloy pa. Damn.

Yung isa naman, akala ko okay na. Ang ganda ng usapan naten sa text. Nung nagkita tayo after ng meeting, I greeted you in hand shakes, but you barely look at me, then you just walked away. We haven't talk that much the past few weeks, but it's like nothing to you. You never approached me after that. Dati pag di tayo nakapag usap, lalapit ka kagad para magkuwento ng kahit ano. I can see in your eyes that you really missed me. Ngayon, wala. Di ko alam kung ano na ba? Talaga pang sabay pa nangyare to? Bad trip. Iiwasan na lang ba kita? Or I will try to save what we had? What if you purposely doing it to give me a hint that it is over and you wanted to end it? 

The same old story

February 13, 2015 Friday

I did something stupid. I don't know if you already notice it. I am slowly staying away from you. Yes, we talked tonight. But it's not the same anymore. It was not conversational. I never allowed it. You said stuffs about how your day went. You randomly shared things, happenings that popped out of your mind. I heard you. But I know you feel that something is wrong. I felt bad. You said you misses me. I just said "Wehh?". I should have not said that. It only means that the problem is on me. It is wrong to make you feel jealous of someone. I was being close, talking to someone just like how I talked to you before. That's stupid. I don't want you to think that I am being bitter. I remember something tonight. You are going to show me something. You get your iPod and was about to show something, but you just stopped. I am not paying attention. I am sorry. I am so stupid. I can't even look into your eyes. I don't know what to do next. Stupid. But what I noticed about you, you are just the same with others. I know you felt something is different. But you don't want to talk about it. You never asked me. I felt that you don't care. I don't like that. Why are you being like that? Don't you care about me? Crazy. This has to stop. 

It's Over?

February 8, 2015 Sunday

Mukhang nasasanay na kong hindi kita nakakausap. Walang text. Wala kahit ano. After the meeting, I saw you talking to others. Sinadya akong lapitan kagad ng kapatid mo para kamustahin, kausapin. Pero ikaw, wala. Parang balewala ako sayo. I was wondering nga if I was the first person you think about when the speaker said "what would happen if you weren't able to talk to your bestfriend for two weeks?" There will be changes for sure. You are the first person that crossed my mind when I hear that. Pero mukhang hindi ka naman naapektuhan e. Hindi ako importante. Ok na wala. Ok na andyan. The last option. 

After the meeting, I stayed there for about 20-30 minutes, which I don't usually do. I was talking to someone when I see you approaching my mother which is beside me that time. "Kumusta?" Yun ang una mong sinabi nung humarap ka saken. I just said "Ok lang". I feel the awkwardness between us. Something's strange. May nagbago. Pinipilit mong ibahin yung mood. Ganun din naman ang ginawa ko. Pero wala, andun pa din. Bago ako umalis, tinawag mo ko. Sabi mo namimiss mo na ko. Hindi kita sinagot. Sa huli, parang may gusto kang sabihin pero hindi mo masabi. Dapat ba kong maniwala? You don't sound very enthuse of seeing me. Kung kausapin mo ko parang walang nangyari. Ilang weeks tayong hindi nagkita, hindi nag-usap. Pero syempre, ano naman diba. Tama na siguro. Paulit-ulit na lang. Siguro mas okay na lumayo muna. Masasanay din ako. Baka sa huli, mapagod na din ako. 

Giving Up?

January 30, 2015. Friday

I didn't attend our meeting tonight. I already attended one last night. You sent a message about friendship yesterday and then you said "hi". I didn't reply to you. I want to but I couldn't. Now, here I am waiting for your text. I am thinking about it the whole day. I am thinking that maybe you will text me and asked where I am or how I am since you wasn't able to see me, talk to me for these past few weeks and to show how worried you are about me. We hadn't really had a good time to talk. How long can I keep waiting? Will you do that? What if you don't? Is this one of my disappiontments once again? Those are the questions that popped in my head right now. I don't want to expect anything. But I can't control my emotions. I hope this all will passed. I am tired of it.

Forget to Remember or Totally Forgetting?

January 30, 2015

Ito ang unang pagkakataon na susulat ako ng dalawang beses sa isang araw. 11:03pm na. Iniisip ko baka kumakain pa siya kanina o kaya may ginagawa lang kaya hindi ako natext. Pero halos patapos na ang araw at wala pa rin akong natatanggap na message sa kanya. Isa lang ibig sabihin nito. Hindi man lang niya napansin na wala ako dahil hindi naman talaga niya balak na hanapin ako. Hindi siya nakaalala. Masakit. Pero wala akong magagawa. Hindi naman niya kasalanan na naghintay ako na maalala niya ko. Ako lang naman ang may gusto. Baka nga option lang talaga. Pag wala siyang kasama, dun niya ko nakikita. Hinahanap. Inaalala. Ang masama nito, nasabi ko yung ibang feelings ko sa kanya. Naisulat ko na dati dito kung paano yun nangyari. Yung "Almost Another Heartbreak". Sinabi ko yung naging ending ng ibang pakikipagkaibigan ko dati. Ayokong mangyari sa amin yun. Naniwala ako sa kanya nun. Pinanghawakan ko yung mga sinabi niya. Pero wala e. Mukang ganun talaga. Hanggang ganun na lang siguro. Ayokong isipin niya na nilalayuan ko siya. Dahil hindi naman talaga. Nararamdaman ko lang na parang pag nadaanan ako ng mata niya at pag may kailangan siya, dun pa lang niya ko kakamustahin. Pero pag wala, pag nakita niya ko, babati lang tapos exit na. End of conversation. Ewan ko ba. Gusto ko nga muna magbakasyon e. Lumayo muna. Yung wala siya. Hahanapin niya kaya ako? O parang wala lang? Bahala na. Sana mawala na to. 

You Just Walked Away

February 3, 2015 Tuesday 11:27pm 

Hindi ko akalain na sa ganun matatapos ang linggo ko last week. We haven't talk for the last few weeks. I mean talk not just saying hi hello or tapping each other's shoulders. I was expecting that you will be looking for me after the meeting. Mali pala ako. I don't know if you didn't notice or you just don't care at all. Ang tagal kong nag-stay dun baka sakaling hanapin mo ko. Pero ang totoo, ang pathetic ko nga e kasi, umaasa ako na baka sakaling madaanan ako ng mga mata mo at maalala mong hindi pa tayo ulit nagkakausap. Pero wala e. You didn't bother at all. I don't see the worriness in your face for not seeing me. Mukang balewala lang sayo. Napapagod na din sa ganitong mga pangyayare. Ayaw kong bumitaw. Gusto ko maghintay. Kaso sa mga pinapakita mo at nangyayare ngayon, parang yun ang gusto mo. 

"Then I saw you yesterday, but you didn't notice. You just walked away"